The Best of Christmas Movies

The Best of Christmas on Film

By Noah Westerfield, the Film Ninja

Home Alone

OK, so to start with, I realize this might not make your top Christmas movies, but I am the one making this list, and I happen to be the same age as Macauley Culkin, so this movie hit a resonant chord in me when it was released, and I watch it every stinkin year.  First of all, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern as the “Wet Bandits” are hilarious, and Culkin is at his best in this 1990 classic, and watching him lay the smack down on the two would-be house thieves is just plain fun.  Great cameo by the late John Candy as Gus Polinksi, leader of the Kinosha Kickers polka band.  This movie was number one at the box office for 16 straight weeks, well past the Christmas season, and was still in theaters come Easter.  Oh, and by the way, the score is done by John Williams, if you needed another reason to watch it again.
7.5 Ninja Stars.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

This is one of the Christmas movies I find myself quoting every time we go to get our annual tree.  Our living room has a 20-foot high ceiling, so we get an enormous tree to fill that space with…so getting said monstrous tree inside and up is an annual task I look forward to as much as going for my Physical examinations after the age of 40.  “Really full…full of sap.” is uttered at least a dozen times as my hands stick to any available surface after getting that monster tree inside every year.  Sadly Beverly D’Angelo doesn’t get topless as she does in the original “Vacation”.  Chevy Chase does quip his way through sight gag after sight gag, Elaine from Seinfield is in it, and you should just go watch it right now.

7 Ninja Stars.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

So this isn’t really a movie.  It’s a half-hour TV show that sums up in that short time the true meaning of Christmas while at the same time poking a finger at how commercialized Christmas has become…and it was made back in 1965.  It was the first prime time animated special based on Charles Schulz “Peanuts” characters, and has been aired every year since it was made, yet since the first airing, nobody has seen the total show, since bits were cut out that mentioned the initial sponsor, coca-cola.  When Linus does his monologue from the King James Bible, and then all the kids realize they have treated poor Charlie Brown wrong, it makes this ninja all melty inside. 

8 Ninja Stars.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

I am talking about the original animated version of the Dr. Seuss classic…not the horrid remake starring Jim Carrey, which will be discussed next week in my review of the “Worst Christmas Movies.”  The 1966 classic directed by Chuck Jones and narrated by the great Boris Karloff stands as another made for TV half hour classic that I can’t imagine getting to Christmas Day without having sat down to watch on TV.  I also enjoy it every time Thurl Ravenscroft’s voice comes on the radio to sing “You’re a Mean one Mr. Grinch.”  Dr. Seuss originally objected to Karloff doing the voice of the Grinch, because he thought he might make the surly character TOO scary.  Here’s how much I like this one.  One day when I have kids, I plan on reading them How the Grinch Stole Christmas every Christmas Eve before they go to bed.  And yes, my Grinch voice is the best Karloff impression I can muster with my tenor voice.

8.5 Ninja Stars.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Do any internet search for “worst Christmas movies of all time” and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians will undoubtedly be in a place of prominence, and it is just as bad as it sounds. So how can it possibly make it onto my favorites list? Well, being that bad makes it perfect material for the good people at MST3K (Mystery Science Theater 3000) who do a thorough job of making this movie not only watchable, but funny.  If you have never watched an episode of MST3K…this is a good one to start with.  You can thank me later.

7 Ninja Stars.

Gremlins

Wait a dosh garn minute here you sneaky ninja! This is not a Christmas movie, but a campy horror movie set during Christmas time!  Well gentle reader, you have me there.  But it IS set at Christmas, and is filled with Christmas themes, songs, visuals and the like, so there’s just no getting around this movie being inextricably linked with Christmas.  I can’t hear the song “Do you hear what I hear” without picturing Billy’s mom, played by Francis Lee McCain, stalking upstairs holding a kitchen knife to find steaming cocoons empty and the gremlins vanished.  Creeps me out.  Here’s a quick trivia note for you: comedian Howie Mandel provided the voice for Gizmo.  It’s the same voice he used for his animated TV show “Bobby’s World.”  And he used the exact same voice when he did voice work on the “Muppet Babies” TV show as the character Skeeter.  One voice, three paychecks.  Why can’t I get that gig?
7 Ninja Stars.

The Nightmare before Christmas

I was initially hesitant about this 1993 gem, even though I have a deep respect for Tim Burton, and a passion for the works of Danny Elfman.  But this one sucked me in with its genuine curiosity, imagination, and visuals.  Burton came up with the fundimental fragments of this story in the 80’s when he was working for Disney, but knew the material was a bit too dark for mouse ears, and while it was made under the Disney umbrella, it was released under Touchstone Pictures due to its dark themes.  Catherine O’Hara (who also played the mom in Home Alone) supplied the voice of the love interest Sally, one of my favorite comedians Greg Proops performs several voices, and Chris Sarandon (best known as Prince Humperdink from “The Princess Bride”) performs the voice of Jack, while Danny Elfman also does vocal work, and is the singing voice for Jack.  If you’ve never watched this one, I implore you to give it a shot…you might be impressed.
8 Ninja Stars.

Astute readers will notice that while I adore two TV shows made in the 60’s, I have left off several more well known, more traditional, and older “Holiday classics” like Miracle on 34^th Street, A Christmas Story, or It’s a Wonderful Life.  What can I say; those movies just don’t speak to me.  Feel free to send me email disclaiming my opinions and calling me a whippersnapper.

Noah Westerfield is a part time ninja, a part time writer, and a full time whippersnapper.

Ninja Likes Turducken!!

Turducken for the holidays

If you know one thing about me, you probably know I am exceedingly charming.  If you know two things, you probably know I moonlight as a ninja.  But if you know three things, you definitely somewhere in there know my love for one foodstuff in particular that comes around mainly during the holidays: the Turducken. 

For those who may indeed live under rocks, a Turducken is dish consisting of a de-boned chicken stuffed into a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed into a de-boned turkey.  Any remaining space can be crammed with stuffing, sausage, or oven-safe toys wrapped in foil.  The practice of stuffing one bird into another goes back to ancient Roman times, so is not quite novel, but the practice has gotten a bit of a renaissance in recent years, even so far as to have John Madden hand out Turduckens instead of his traditional Turkey Legs to outstanding players on Thanksgiving.

In fact, a completed turducken rather resembles a football.  I can imagine a new sport being created that combines the violence of football with the gluttony of something like a hot-dog eating contest.  Two men sit at a table, each with a turducken in front of them.  At the buzzer, they start to consume said creation, and the first one to finish gets 10 points.  Then they are hit by a professional linebacker, and if they can keep it all down, they get an additional 10 points.  Season goes for 16 weeks, and we can play abridged versions during halftime shows of regular football games.  Anyone who wants to help me get this new game show sensation off the ground is free to contact me.

In the United Kingdom, a turducken is a type of ballotine called a "three-bird roast" or a "royal roast". The Pure Meat Company offered a five-bird roast (a goose, a turkey, a chicken, a pheasant, and a pigeon, stuffed with sausage), described as a modern revival of the traditional Yorkshire Christmas pie, in 1989; and a three-bird roast (a duck stuffed with chicken stuffed with a pigeon, with sage and apple stuffing) in 1990. Multi-bird roasts are widely available, while a Gooducken is a goose stuffed with a duck, which is in turn stuffed with a chicken.

So why stop at just three birds? Some people have not.  In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reyniere gave us his his rôti sans pareil (roast without equal), consisting of a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a gunea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler.  This feat of meat would be difficult to reproduce today since many of those birds are listed as endangered.

But again, why stop there? I have heard of some carnivorous creationists wrapping their turducken in bacon, making a turbacaducken.  Now if you don’t want to go through the effort of de-boning all those birds yourself there are several places online where you can order a turducken which a simple google search will get you.  Just one more tip for any new turducken enthuiasists who have read this article and want to have a meaty treat for their holiday spread…you can broil, bake, braise, barbque, or grill a turducken, but don’t put it in your deep fryer.  Since there is not a hollow cavity like the regular bird has, the cooking will not be even, and just won’t work.  Now if someone CAN figure out how to deep-fry a turbacaducken…well I nominate that person for king of the world.

Noah Westerfield is a fan of all things turducken.

Batman on Film

Putting on the Tights One Last Time

A comprehensive review of Batman in Film

By Noah Westerfield.

As the final installment of the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy is scheduled to be released worldwide in the Summer of 2012, I was tempted to look back on the ups and downs that have been Batman on the silver screen.  For purposes of this article I am sticking to live action movies, though the animated feature length works are worth note, if merely to mention that Mark Hamil, Luke Skywalker from the Star Wars trilogy, does the voice of the Joker.  As most of these movies have been out for quite a while, I feel free to use spoilers as needed, you have been warned. 

Batman the Movie (1966)

Here we see the first treatment of the Caped Crusader on the big screen, played by Adam West.  This is not the Dark Knight as we have come to know with a gruff voice, but rather the most outlandish “theater of the absurd” rendition of a comic book character I have ever come across.  And let me tell you all, I have come across MANY an absurd comic book movie; the 1994 Roger Corman version of the Fantastic 4 comes to mind.  There is more cheese in this film than in a large queso from the Gristmill, and it’s somehow even tastier.  Impressionist Frank Gorshin plays Riddler with a manic energy, famed Latin lover Cesar Romero plays the Joker…and if you look close, you can see that he refused to shave his equally famed moustache for the role, and just had it covered with white paint, and Burgess Meredith plays the Penguin.  How much better could the cast get? Lee Meriwether as Catwoman.  Meow.

6 Shuriken

Batman (1989)

Here is the movie that made me fall in love with Batman.  The Michael Keaton Batman, directed by Tim Burton.  One thing I truly love about Burton as a director is his ability to mix the absurd and the dark.  This movie has both, dished out in heaping helpings by Jack Nicholson as the Joker.  His portrayal was chilling, insane, yet campy and way over-the-top.  We see Joker use his infamous smilex gas, which kills and leaves their victims with a rictus grin on their deceased faces, along with more “gag-like” killing devices, acid in a squirting flower, and a joy-buzzer that delivers a lethal shock.  Kim Basinger is mostly forgettable as love interest Vicky Vale, while the true glory of this movie lies not in any one performance, but in that this movie made Batman cool again.  It brought a whole new generation of readers to the delightful world of comics, and opened the door for geeks who knew nothing but that world to interact with others who were just getting started. 

7.5 Shuriken

Batman Returns (1992)

Tim Burton and Michael Keaton return, bringing with them the same delightful mix of dark gritty realism and cartoonish weirdness.  Along for the ride this time around are Danny DeVito as a fiendish Penguin, Christopher Walken as corporate shill Max Shreck, and Michelle Pfeiffer as a conflicted Catwoman.  Double meow.  This film falls short of achieving the glory of its predecessor, as most sequels are wont to do, but one thing that need be mentioned about the Burton Batman films is the extraordinary score done by Danny Elfman.  One final note.  The Red Triangle Gang, the Penguins henchmen comprised of circus themed villains, scare me to this day. 

6 Shuriken

Batman Forever (1995)

And here we go into the steep decline of Batman film history.  After two wildly successful films by Burton, Warner Brothers decides to switch directions and go with Joel Schumacher at the helm.  I can just imagine him walking in on day and saying: “What the Batsuit needs is nipples!” and instead of people slapping him and telling him how ridiculous that is, they went with it.  This could have been a good movie judging from the cast.  Val Kilmer plays the title role in his somewhat dry manner, and is offset by a stunning and seductive Nicole Kidman playing psychiatrist Chase Meridian.  This movie introduces Chris O’Donnell as Robin, injecting some youth to the cast, while Jim Carrey also dons tights as the Riddler, and Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face…who looks like some bizarre cross between a lawyer and a purple zebra.  But despite the decent casting…this movie is just bad.  But not as bad as it could be…

3 Shuriken

Batman and Robin (1997)

This is the epitome of a horrible movie from start to finish.  Terribly cheesy dialogue permeates the entire film, and more proof that A-list talent is not enough.  George Clooney is behind the mask this time in one of his most forgettable roles.  Blonde Alicia Silverstone plays Batgirl, who in the comics is a redhead, Musclehead Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Mr. Freeze, who in the comics is a wimpy scientist, and Uma Thurman plays Poison Ivy, who in the comics is attractive.  I am seething with anger right now that I had to watch that horrible movie again for this review. 

0 Shuriken I cannot think of a single bright moment to give this even one Shuriken

Batman Begins (2005)

What’s this you say? That was the last of the horrible Batman movies? Joy and rapture!  After nearly a decade for people to forget Batman and Robin, director Christopher Nolan took the franchise into the new Millennium with a gritty, realistic, back-to-basics stance on Batman.  No cheese, no campiness, just a Batman that will kick you in the teeth and have you begging for more.  We get to see the journey that a child takes to being a young man having to deal with the anger and pain of having watched his parents murder, and how he transitions to become a creature of the night, and take his first steps to right wrongs and fight injustice in a corrupt Gotham City, which is as much a character in this film as anyone.

9 Shuriken

Batman: The Dark Knight (2008)

The most recent foray into the world of Batman takes us into the darkest chapter to date.  We are introduced to Heath Ledger as the Joker.  When I first heard that particular casting decision I admit I was more than skeptical.  I think I said: “No WAY pretty boy Ledger can play the Clown Prince of Crime.”  Not only did I have to eat those words, I choked on them, as not only did Ledger give the best performance of his career, he studied insanity and depravity to such a degree in preparation for this role, it lead in part to his untimely death.  Aaron Eckhart as Two-Face was a breath of fresh air after the previous version, performed as he should be: equal parts rational and crazy.  The storyline weaves seamlessly from one arc to the next, and you never are allowed off the edge of your seat.

10 Shuriken, and a bushido Katana.  I do not give this rating lightly.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Once again an eyebrow was raised when I heard Anne Hathaway was to play Catwoman, but then I decided to wait and see.  And the waiting is killing me.  Summer can’t get here soon enough.  See you at the theater!

Noah Westerfield is a part-time ninja, a part-time writer, and a full time geek.