The ninja is on the move...

One thing about being a ninja is certain, and that is: one must stay moving.  In that notion, this blog is now moving to its new home at http://www.chainmailninja.com/.  All my previous blog entries have been added there and made shiny with pictures, and all my future blogs will be located there.  So if you have been a fan of reading my blogs in the past, please continue to do so at http://www.chainmailninja.com/.  Oh, and if you are reading while at work and the idea of your boss seeing pictures of women wearing chain mail bikinis is potentially troublesome, instead you can go to www.chainmailninja.com/blog, where you can see all the blog posts but none of the awesome chain mail fashion products that are also available on that site.

Movies you may not know started as Comics

Some of the reviews to follow couldn't be anything but Comics originally, like Spawn and Hellboy, but others you may not realize originated on the paneled page of Comics and made the transition to the Silver Screen.  I have not included films like Transformers, GI-Joe, or Masters of the Universe which started as toys and moved to television and comics before ending up as movies.  That's a whole other blog waiting to happen. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990, 1991, 1993, 2007) Mirage Studios

Everyone's favorite "Heroes in a Half-Shell" began life as a joke made by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird mocking other hot-selling comics of the early 80's Daredevil, New Mutants, Cerberus and Ronin.  In the first comic, all the turtles wore red masks, and they ended up killing the Shredder.  It was a much darker and grittier version than the catch-phrase spouting, pizza-eating goofy characters they would eventually become.  By the late 80's and early 90's you couldn't swing a nunchuku without hitting something featuring the faces of the famous fighting foursome.  The immortal Jim Henson designed the suits that brought the Turtles to the screen, and was one of his final projects.  The original trilogy of movies went from entertaining to campy really fast, and the 2007 all-digital remake TMNT recaptures some of the original charm and free spirit that the Turtles embodied. 

·         Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: 8 ninja Stars. This is as good as it got for the Team in Green

·         TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze: 4 Ninja Stars. Vanilla ice has a cameo and song. Yech.

·         TMNT 3: Turtles in Time: 2 Ninja Stars. This one was really a reach.  Not very entertaining.

·         TMNT: A good reboot, 6.5Ninja Stars.

Dick Tracy (1990) Tribune Media Services

If the newspaper you read growing up didn't have the Dick Tracy comic strip...which is likely...the first exposure you got to Dick Tracy in his trademark yellow fedora was in this awesomely cast movie.  Warren Beatty as Dick Tracy is great in the titular character, Madonna is at her peak as Breathless Mahoney, and Al Pacino as a mob boss is expected, but there are so many other great names that appear in this flick, like Kathy Bates and Dick Van Dyke in bit roles as a stenographer and a corrupt DA, Dustin Hoffman as Mumbles, Paul Sorvino as Lips Manlis, Mandy Patinkin as piano player 88 keys, and Catherine O'Hara and James Caan as rival gangsters Texie Garcia and Spud Spaldoni.  This film is a good romp through the 30's with bright colors and outrageous villains, and looks like it was pulled straight from the funny pages. 

7.5 Ninja Stars

The Rocketeer (1991) Pacific Comics

This film is another trip in the wayback machine to the 30's, where daredevil pilot Cliff Secord finds a rocket pack designed by Howard Hughes and uses it to fight Nazis.  First of all, let me just say that Jennifer Connelly is meow-licious in this movie, and Timothy Dalton plays the villain with panache and flair.  There are plenty of homages to film serials of the time period, and there is just a wholesome feel to this movie.  It doesn't rely on lots of gunfire or huge action sequences to make the story work, but you don't feel like you are lacking action at any point while watching.  Really an underrated film for its time.

7.5 Ninja Stars

The Shadow (1994) Street and Smith

For a change of pace, this movie was set...in the 30's.  Alec Baldwin plays the title role with some good help by Ian McKellan as elder sidekick Dr. Reinhardt Lane, and Tim Curry as henchman Farley Claymore.  The plot of this one is actually a lot more solid than I remembered before I gave it another viewing, but the special effects and action sequences are a bit lacking.  The dialogue is nothing to write home about either, but after it was done I found myself entertained, if not greatly so.

5.5 Ninja Stars

The Mask (1994) Dark Horse

We finally get out of the 30's with this tribute to campiness that actually follows the storyline of the comics quite well.  In the Comics, whoever wears The Mask is granted the ability to change thier body into just about anything, and completely loses all social inhibitions.  One change where the movie strayed from the Comic, is that the wearer would inevitably go completely insane and turn to cruel antiheroes, but toned down this role was perfect fodder for the rubber faced Jim Carrey who was in his heyday as The Mask, Ace Ventura, and Dumb and Dumber were all released in 1994.  Another important fact about this movie is that it introduced the world to Cameron Diaz.  And thank you for that.  And I guess since the Mask appeared wearing a zoot suit...we didn't QUITE manage to get all the way out of the 30's.

6 Ninja Stars

The Phantom  (1996) Various

Aaaand...we're back in the late 30's once again for this tale starring Billy Zane, Kristy Swanson, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.  The Phantom is a non-super powered hero who fights crime with the help of his horse Hero and his wolf Devil.  This movie suffered from lack of imagination from start to finish, and gets slow in some places, stagnant in others, and the action is laughable.  It feels like this movie was thrown together to try and cash in on the other films that did that period much better.  That said, I bought a Phantom ring when the movie was released, and to this day it resides on my keychain.  So I guess there is a part of me that is always reminded of this film.

5 Ninja Stars

The warm and fluffy part of this blog post is quite over.  The rest of these films go from dark to darker and reflect that change that happens in everyone's life where they stop watching films made for kids and start watching films made for adults, which is perhaps why I didn't like the Shadow and The Phantom as much as I liked the Rocketeer, which came out when I was 11.  But by '97 when Spawn was released I was 17 and quite ready to delve into the darker side of what film has to offer.

Spawn (1997) Image Comics

This film is about a man who is murdered, then tapped to be the general of Hells army and given a cape with powers. He then rebels against his hellish overlords and instead fights for vengeance against those who killed him, and tries to reunite with his wife.  It's not a very good storyline, the special effects aren't very good either, and while this movie does accomplish being dark and somewhat scary, it's just not quite what fans, nor I, were hoping for.

3 Ninja Stars

Road to Perdition (2002) Paradox Press

To start...what a cast.  Tom Hanks, Jude Law, Daniel Craig, and Paul Newman in his final film appearance.  Let that soak in for a second.  Then find and watch this dark, gritty, masterpiece of cinematography which explores a father-son relationship taken to quite the extreme.  I hesitate to say anything more about this movie other than it needs to be seen again.  And again. 

8.5 Ninja Stars

Hellboy Duology (2004, 2008) Dark Horse

Ron Perlman as Hellboy is just genius as he delivers quips and one-liners with great gruff timing, while the rest of the cast is good, with the exception of Selma Blair, who, if trapped in a wet paper bag could not use her acting skills to get said wet paper bag to open for her.  Yes, I said it.  Selma Blair couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag.  Both films perfectly encapsulate the struggles of a demon who just wants to fit in with the rest of us, find love, and fight monsters. 

·         Hellboy: 8.5 Ninja Stars

·         Hellboy 2: The Golden Army: 7 Ninja Stars

Constantine (2005) Based on DC's Hellblazer

This is my second favorite Keanu Reaves film, falling just short of The Matrix.  Keanu plays the cynical chain-smoking John Constantine, who is a normal guy mostly...except he can see the agents of both God and the Devil that walk among us and influence our lives.  He uses his mastery of the occult to bring down as many demons as he can, so he can try to gain the good graces of God.  I love all the plot twists that this movie takes, and the ending is one that will make you think. 

7 Ninja Stars.

Noah Westerfield cannot choose a favorite Ninja Turtle, for he embodies aspects of each of them and can use all of their weapons with lethal proficiency. 

That’s How I Roll: A look at Dungeons and Dragons

Let’s get this out of the way real quick.  I know as soon as the phrase “Dungeons & Dragons” is uttered, everyone has an idea in their head.  Some of you believe that D&D is an activity engaged in by the geekiest of the geeky, and all stereotypes of those socially awkward among us surge to the forefront.  Some picture a group of pre-pubescent nerds, or middle-aged nerds, gathered around a table wearing wizard hats and espousing about spells. While it can be all that, and many of those stereotypes are justified, D&D is a whole lot more.  You may be surprised to hear that two time NBA MVP Tim Duncan, actors Vin Diesel, Karl Urban and Mike Meyers, director Jon Favreau, and comedians Robin Williams and Stephen Colbert are among the many celebrities that have publicly proclaimed their love for D&D.  When I think of Dungeons & Dragons I remember numerous hours spent in camaraderie while using my imagination to its fullest and having many adventures surrounded by my friends.  D&D promotes using your imagination, teaches math skills, and encourages group interaction instead of sitting alone in front of your TV or computer playing a video game.

The impetus for this blog is that a new edition of Dungeons & Dragons is currently in development, the fifth official version of the game since it was first published in 1974.  The game was created by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson based on a previous game called Chainmail.  D&D is not a game in the traditional sense that most people think of, in that there is no game board.  Players use a set of rule books to create characters in a fantasy setting, and one player is the Dungeon Master, or DM, who is the storyteller of the group.  The DM sets the world that the other players will participate in, and sets challenges for the other players to overcome as their characters.  For instance, a group may encounter monsters to defeat, dungeons to explore, traps to either disable or survive, riddles to solve, damsels to save, dragons to slay, treasure to unearth and on and on. Players roll dice to determine how well they perform at the different tasks they want to accomplish throughout the adventure.  Each swing of a sword, casting of a spell, or attempt to woo a tavern maiden hinges on how well you roll a 20-sided dice, known as a D20.  After encounters, the players earn experience points doled out by the DM and those points are accumulated and eventually the character gets to a higher level and attains new abilities.

Those basic mechanics have been adapted over the years to many other various media to become the genre known as the Role Playing Game, or RPG, from video games like Skyrim and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, to MMO’s like World of Warcraft.  But while those systems have thrived and flourished, there has always been a contingent of people, young and old alike, that regularly gather around a table laden with snack food and rule books to play D&D.  And the reason is quite simple.  D&D can take you anywhere and you can do anything.  An example I love to recall happened in a game I was involved in that took place in the Star Wars universe.  The DM had placed our group in the middle of a crossroad, surrounded by immensely tall buildings, and he had a plan on what would happen to our group if we went North, South, East, or West…but we went up.  Straight up.  We completely ruined what our DM had planned for us with one simple choice of which way should we go, so like a good DM he improvised what came next and we continued our adventure.  If you are playing a video game and you want to go into a house to see what’s inside, if a programmer didn’t write the code for the door to that house to be able to open…you don’t get to go through it.

Now, I could bore you with tales of my various characters over the years, my Minotaur Archer Grok, my Half-Dragon Swordmaster Ladon, my Android Jedi Q9-J3 and on and on, but that’s really not the point of this article.  The point is to simultaneously rejoice and shudder at the news that D&D version 5.0 is in production and will be released at some point in the near future.  Why, you may ask, would I fear such a thing as I am obviously a fan of this franchise?  Well, now we get to the really hardcore geeky part of this whole situation because there is nothing geekier than arguing about which version of D&D is the best.  Some players have stuck with the same system they first started playing, disdaining any new system that is released.  That has a tendency to irk the companies that make these books knowing that there are some people who have not invested any more than the original ten dollar price tag for D&D back in the 70’s and still play their game every weekend. So every few years they change the rules up and release new versions to try and tempt more money out of their fan base.  Those changes then spark nerd rage fueled debates the likes of which you cannot possibly imagine unless you have seen them firsthand.  I never thought something like how a sorcerer casts spells could cause such vitriol and utter hatred…but I have seen such things.  Therefore each new version of D&D is both anticipated…and dreaded.  Personally, I favor version 3.5.  That may have to do with the fact that I have about 20 3.5 edition books that I paid good money for…but the simple fact of the matter is I didn’t like the changes that came with version 4.0.  It reminded me too much of World of Warcraft in the way it was set up, and that didn’t appeal to me as much as the more fluid style of 3.5, especially since I also played World of Warcraft at the time.

Version 5 of D&D is still in the developmental phase, and reports about this version are still sketchy, but one thing is apparent.  The company who currently makes and distributes D&D, Wizards of the Coast, is not ignoring their fan base.  The reports I have seen thus far indicate that the company is looking for input from across the geek community on how to make the best version of D&D that they can, easy enough for new players to get hooked, while advanced enough for the hardcore nerd to really dive into and luxuriate in.  Best of luck to you Wizards of the Coast.

Noah Westerfield is Ginyo Hobatsu, a Halfling Ninja of the Scorpion Clan proficient in the school of the Dancing Dragonfly. 

Thank you Bob Anderson 1922-2012

Today I am a Sad Ninja.

I am sad because I never made it to Hollywood, was never cast in a movie that involved swordplay, and thus, I never got to be coached by Bob Anderson.  Now I’ll never have the chance, as Bob passed away New Year’s Day at the age of 89.  Many of you might not know who Bob Anderson was, but I guarantee you have felt his genius.  Let’s just get the list out of the way right up front, shall we gentle reader?  Bob Anderson did stunt work on Superman II and for Bond films like Casino Royale (1967) and From Russia With Love.  More importantly, he was the Swordmaster for The Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, Die Another Day, The Mask of Zorro, The Phantom, First Knight, The Three Musketeers, Alatriste, The Legend of Zorro, Highlander the Series, Highlander (the movie), Barry Lyndon, The Princess Bride, and 2 out of 3 Star Wars movies (Empire and Jedi).  When you see Darth Vader fighting Luke Skywalker…it’s Bob Anderson wearing the suit.  So let me state again, that today I am a sad ninja as I write this blog.

Anderson was a member of the saber fencing team that Great Britain sent to the 1952 Olympic Games in Helsinki where he finished tied for fifth place.  He then coached the team to silver medal performances in Rome in 1960 and Tokyo in 1964.  His career in cinema began in 1953 when he started choreographing fights for, and coaching, Errol Flynn in The Master of Ballantrae.  During one rehearsal, he accidentally slashed Flynn on the thigh, leading to notoriety in Hollywood as being the man who stabbed Errol Flynn.  He also trained Sean Connery, Antonio Banderas, Carey Elwes, Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Kiefer Sutherland, Viggio Mortensen, Catherine Zeta-Jones…and also Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan.  That was back when Charlie Sheen was mostly sane, and Lohan was a cute kid with freckles.

As I am a fan of watching swordfighting in movies, I have been a fan of Bob Andersons work long before I knew of him.  Watching a fight choreographed by Bob Anderson resonates with you.  You feel the emotion behind every swing, can feel your arm quiver with each riposte.  Often times when I am puttering around the house I’ll throw in a movie to have on as background noise, and almost invariably I’ll have something on that has a credit to Bob Anderson.  So I think we’ll have a little recap of my favorites of his works.

The Mask of Zorro: There is a lot of action in this gem from 1998, and pretty much all of it is done with a sword in hand.  I had actually not watched this movie in quite a few years, but I popped it in as I was writing this blog post, and I am astounded at how non-stop the action really is.  My brother, aforementioned for how awesome he is, spent hours figuring out exactly when to pause the movie so that you could see the glimpse of Catherine Zeta-Jones’ nipple.  Anderson praised the athleticism of Antonio Banderas, “As far as swordplay is concerned, Antonio was the best and far superior to Errol Flynn.” That’s some high praise.  Remind me never to challenge Banderas to a duel.

Highlander the Series: I have seen every single episode of Highlander.  I am a bit of a Highlander fanboy, and you should expect a future blog to review the entire Highlander series.  That said, I actually didn’t know Anderson had worked on this series until I started doing research for this post.  Bad Ninja.  He was the swordmaster for the first 28 episodes of the show, so you can add Adrian Paul to the long list of actors that can attribute their swordplay skills to Anderson.  I already knew not to challenge Adrian Paul to a duel.  Not saying I couldn’t take him out…but not in a fair fight.  I am a ninja after all.

The Princess Bride: Fencing enthusiasts look at the fight between Westley (Carey Elwes) and Inigo (Mandy Patinkin) as the purest fencing duel ever put on cinema.  That’s because when William Goldman wrote the novel, he took great pains to research fencing so he would have his terminology correct.  Therefore when it came time to shoot the film, Anderson took those same great pains to make sure the actors knew how to properly perform those maneuvers, mainly because the characters are talking about what they are doing. 

Inigo: You are using Bonetti’s defense against me, eh?

Westley: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.

Inigo: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.

Westley: Naturally…but I find that Thibault cancels Capo Ferro, don’t you?

Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa…which I have!

Rocco Bonetti opened the first School of Rapier Fence, or Colledge, at Blackfriars in London in 1576. He preferred to deflect jabs and wait for mistakes to be made rather than rush into attack. Ridolfo Capo Ferro taught a linear style of fencing, saying "The cut has little place in rapier play".  Girard Thibault taught the Spanish Style of fencing in which parrying maneuvers ruined jabbing attacks. Camillo Agrippa was regarded as the man who defined the rapier as a thrusting weapon as well as one to be used for cutting.  Oh, and yes…both actors did fence right and left-handed.  And every shot of the fight is Elwes and Patinkin.  No stunt doubles were used for the swordfighting.

Star Wars: There are three people I’ll credit as portraying Darth Vader.  David Prowse, James Earl Jones, and Bob Anderson.  Don’t even talk to me about prequels.  Prowse, a Scottish bodybuilder, was not good with a blade, and Anderson couldn’t get him to perform the sword techniques well enough, so they just put him in the suit, put some lifts in his shoes to give him an extra 4 inches of height, and let Bob take the swings at Mark Hamil.  For many years his role went uncredited until Hamill made it public in an 1983 interview.  "Bob Anderson was the man who actually did Vader's fighting ... it was always supposed to be a secret.  Bob worked so bloody hard that he deserves more recognition."  Of the fight in Empire Strikes Back when Vader famously severs Luke’s hand, Bob said, “It’s the first time I’ve doubled the baddie and won!”

His final work was done as Swordmaster for the upcoming film The Hobbit, which I cannot wait to see.  In the 2009 documentary Reclaiming the Blade, Bob was quoted as saying, “I never took up the sword…I think the sword took up me.”  Well said Bob.  You will be missed.

Noah Westerfield is a fencer, a fighter, and a fierce flabby fanatic of fried fowl

Superman Films get Ninja'd

Let me start, gentle reader, by proclaiming my love for Superman.  I cannot remember a time in my life before I had seen Superman.  Some of my earliest childhood memories are dumping all the toys out of the big yellow box that housed them, so I could pretend it was my spaceship, as I was young Kal-El being sent to Earth from Krypton. Christopher Reeve made me believe a man could fly, and I went as Superman for Halloween the first 7 years of my life.  There are many pictures of this ninja as a young man making his “heat vision” eyes at the camera.  My brother took our shared love of Superman a step further and for pretty much the entire year when he was 4-5 he wore a Superman cape over his clothes…everywhere.  Church, the store, the Library, baseball games…he was sporting his red cape with the familiar “S” logo.  My brother is more awesome than pretty much anyone, that’s just one of the proofs.  Ok, enough family discussion, let’s dive in!

Superman (1978)

Ah, this is truly one of the greatest tributes to Comic Books ever put to film.  First of all, John Williams' score is phenomenal.  The heroic fanfare chills me every time, and I just want to put my arms out and take flight.  We start the film by introducing the villains for Superman II, General Zod and company, and we are also introduced to Jor-El, played by Marlon Brando with his traditional air of superiority.  We see the story of how Superman comes to earth, his parents tearfully loading him in a spaceship, sending it towards Earth as the planet Krypton destroys itself.  Then we get a nice long piece about young Clark, and the pressures of growing up with super powers, the desire to use those powers to get glory and get the girl, but Ma and Pa Kent are right there on the Smallville farm to bring him back to a center, to teach him that powers like his are meant to do more than score touchdowns.  When Pa suffers a heart attack and dies, Clark strikes out on his own to the big city of Metropolis, to protect humanity as Superman.  What better way to find out where trouble is brewing than by working in a newspaper? So, off to the Daily Planet he goes, meeting Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen.  To disguise his identity from the world, he puts on some glasses and slouches.  Great disguise there buddy.  But in a classic “wink to the audience” moment, everybody else is fooled, so we go along with it.  Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor was done with some camp and cheese, but not terribly so.  There is just enough evil showing through that veneer of comedy to make you truly believe this man just wants to get rid of your hero.  There’s a nice message about the dangers of nuclear bombs, a theme that will be revisited many times in future Superman films, and we get a happy ending, which only happens because Superman takes the previous sad ending and turns back time to fix it.  Not quite a super power that we see him use in any of the comics…but hey, it’s Superman after all.  He can do anything...right?

8.5 Ninja Stars.

Superman II (1980)

This movie was shot concurrently with Superman, so the cast is unchanged, with the note that Marlon Brando decided he wasn’t getting enough money for the 5 minutes or so he was in Superman, so he sued for $50 million dollars.  Therefore, he was cut out of the theatrical release of Superman II.  General Zod, Ursa, and Non have been found guilty of trying to start a revolution to overthrow the government of Krypton. Krypton is far too advanced for such things as a death penalty, they are placed in a confinement called the Negative Zone, a throwback to the Comics, invented by Superman’s father Jor-El.  This would be the reason the thugs have it out for Superman once they break free of their prison.  Another “danger of nuclear weapons” comes early on, as it is the missile that Superman casually tosses into space in the previous movie that shatters the Negative Zone and frees the baddies.  In this film we get to see Superman battle with his desire to be human in order to fully be with Lois Lane, so he gives up his powers and then has a forehead smacking moment because it’s just then that the baddies go on live television and make the President their new playtoy.  Luckily Superman gets his powers back just in the nick of time to save the planet once again, and he tries to get back to his previous life. But wait! Lois has found out his secret identity, despite all the pains he took to keep his lives separated!  Well no problem.  Superman gives her some sort of mind-erasing kiss.  Again…not a power Superman has ever shown in the comics…but oh well.

7 Ninja Stars.

Superman III (1983)

Like the Batman franchise, after two successful movies under the same creative team, a decision is made to change directions, and the movies are never the same again.  They bring Christopher Reeve and the Daily Planet crew back, but most of the plot involves new characters, including Richard Pryor as Gus, the somewhat shady hacker who ends up under the thumb of his megalomaniacal boss and his evil sister.  Why does every megalomaniacal boss have an evil sister anyway?  Clark goes to his High School reunion and, like a boss, hooks up with the girl he wanted in High School but was too awkward to get, Lana Lang, portrayed by Annette O’Toole…who, let’s face it, gets a much higher “rawr” rating than Margot Kidder.  This movie is much cheesier, Pryor isn’t really given a chance to be Pryor since this is a movie aimed at kids, and there’s a disturbing bit where Superman faces Evil Superman.  One fun bit is the mayhem that Evil Superman wreaks on the world.  He gets drunk and flicks peanuts at booze bottles at the speed of a bullet, straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa, rips open an oil tanker to cause another Exxon Valdez, and blows out the Olympic Flame.  Oh Evil Superman, you nutty guy!

4.5 Ninja Stars.   

Supergirl (1984)

I was so enamored with the entire Superman franchise as a young man, my dad took me to see this movie in the theater.   It’s the first time I can ever remember walking out of a movie and thinking…”That wasn’t very good.” And what can I say, after reviewing the movie for this blog, I must say my 4-year old self was right, but my adult self can appreciate better Helen Slater in that outfit.  Rawr.

2 Ninja Stars for that outfit alone.

Superman IV The Quest for Peace (1987) 

This is the movie that really shoves in your face that whole “nuclear bombs are bad” idea that is prevalent throughout the Superman films.  Reeve and Hackman are back to play Superman and Lex Luthor, who plots to use a sample of Superman’s own DNA to create a new nemesis: Nuclear Man! The guy looks like he spent way too much time on a California beach.  This is a mostly forgettable film done on a shoestring budget that cut corners at every turn.  Nobody who was in the film thought it would be good…and it isn’t.

3 Ninja Stars for the sheer fact that it’s the last time we see Reeve don the cape before his tragic accident in 1995.

Superman Returns (2006)

The revamp!  After nearly a decade away from the silver screen, Superman Returns…but he probably should have just stayed away.  Bryan Singer directs this crapfest in his traditional manner.  Poorly.  The plot picks up about 5 years after the events of Superman II, ignoring, and perhaps rightly so, Superman III and IV.  There are some elements of this movie that I really do like, particularly the portrayal of Lex Luthor by Kevin Spacey, and the overall plotline is one that is worthy of Superman.  But it’s just not good.  Brandon Routh, who does bear a resemblance to Reeve, is flat as both Clark Kent and as Superman.  Kate Bosworth is not convincing as Lois Lane supposedly torn between Superman and her new flame, Astronaut Richard White, played by attractive block of wood James Marsden.  This movie left me wanting more, and not in that good way, but in the "I waited all this time for THAT hunk of nonsense?" kind of way.

4 Ninja Stars.

Man of Steel (2013)

The Re-Revamp!  This go-round is a clean start of the Superman franchise directed by Zach Snyder who directed two other Comic Book films: 300 and Watchmen.  I enjoyed both those movies, so I have high hopes for what he can do with my beloved Superman, and the fact that Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer are also attached makes me want to happydance in anticipation.

Noah Westerfield had to wait many years and undergo extensive Ninja training before learning how to fly...but really, it's all in the cape.

The Muppets long slumber is finally over...OR...It's about time someone put their hand up Kermit's butt

The Walt Disney Company, after previous unsuccessful attempts, purchased the Muppets in 2004.  Since then they had done absolutely nothing with the franchise, save for releasing some DVD’s of the Muppet Show, the horrendous looking Muppet Wizard of Oz, and making a few youtube videos.  Not what I would call a good use of one of my favorite childhood entertainment groups.  Now that the new Muppet Movie is out in theaters, I figured it would be a good time to look back on the lore of Muppets in movies. 

The Muppet Movie (1979)

I am rather conflicted about this movie.  Obviously it deserves some merit for being the first of the Muppet film adventures, but it is at times my least favorite of the Muppet films that have an original storyline, but at other times it really shines.  And those times are the songs and cameos.  Edgar Bergen (in his final film appearance), Milton Berle, Mel Brooks, James Coburn, Dom DeLuise, Elliot Gould, Bob Hope, Madeline Kahn, Carol Kane, Cloris Leachman, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Telly Savalas, and Orson Welles all have cameo appearances and they set the bar high for cameos in Muppet movies to follow.  Along with the cameos, the songs and the soundtrack are some of the best in Muppet film.  I know all the words to The Rainbow Connection, Moving Right Along, Never Before, Never Again, I Hope that Something Better Comes Along, Can you Picture That?, and I’m Going to go Back there Someday.  But that said…the plot of this movie is just not good.  If you’ve never seen this movie, the bad guy is a fried frog legs restaurant owner who wants Kermit to be his spokesperson.  Yeah.  THAT bad.  Thankfully any time the plot starts to take too long, we get another cameo, or a song.     

6.5 Ninja Stars.

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

This is by far my favorite Muppet Movie.  It has great songs, awesome cameos, and the plot is fun too!  Kermit and Fozzie play identical twins reporting on a series of jewel thieves, and Gonzo plays their photographer.  The trio travel to London where they come across the rest of the gang at the Happiness Hotel.  If I ever get to go to London, I want to stay there.  It’s another of the songs I know all the words to, and will gladly serenade you with at any time day or night.  The single greatest cameo in all of Muppetdom is John Cleese as the wealthy owner of the house at 17 Highbrow Street.  Diana Rigg and Charles Grodin are the two main human characters as siblings Nicky and Lady Holiday.  At one point, Kermit thinks Piggy is the rich fashion designer Lady Holiday and takes her to the ritzy Dubonnet Club, where a line takes place that I didn’t get as a kid, but cracks me up to no end as an adult (a trick that makes Muppet movies fun for ALL ages).  Fozzie, watching Kermit and Piggy dance, is stirring sugar into a martini glass…he looks to the table next to him and says: “Ya know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff it tastes just like Ginger Ale!”  Then there is the intercutting of the two groups getting ready for the big final scene.  The thieves go down their checklist of supplies:

Nicky: Wire cutters?

Carla: Check.

Nicky: Key scrambler?

Marla: Check.

Nicky: Grappling gun?

Darla: Check.

Cut to the Muppets in the shambles of the Happiness Hotel…

Fozzie: Whoopee cushion?

Kermit: Check.

Fozzie: Frisbee?
Scooter: Uh…lost.

Fozzie: Wax lips?

Zoot: Man, I just had them!

Floyd: Are they in your other pants?

Zoot: I don’t HAVE no other pants!

And when the announcer starts doing the play-by-play of the recapturing of the “fabulous” baseball diamond (pause for groaning due to bad pun), I can’t help but laugh.  This movie is fun and timeless from start to finish.  I highly recommend it to kids of all ages.

9 Ninja Stars.

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)

This holds the title as my second favorite of the Muppet movies, and basically, it’s a remake of “The Muppet Movie,” but with a much more enjoyable plot.  In both movies, Kermit has to pitch his idea for a great show, and has to get his gang together in order to make the show work.  But in Manhattan, there’s the glory of New York, and thereby the glory of New Yorkers, like Pete the restaurant owner, and the scene in Central Park where Piggy gets mugged and “borrows” some skates from Gregory Hines.  If you’ve never seen a Muppet on roller skates…find this movie.  And at one point Kermit gets amnesia and in trying to start a new life becomes a soap salesman.  It just doesn't get much more off the wall than that.

8.5 Ninja Stars.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

And here begins the phase where the majority of Muppet movies are just rehashes of previous films, only done with Muppets.  This is the best of those, as the charming nature of the Muppets carries over fantastically into Charles Dickens classic Christmas tale.  Michael Caine plays Scrooge fantastically, and this movie is notable for several reasons.  Firstly, this is the first Muppet movie to be done following the death of Jim Henson in 1990.  Steve Whitmire took over the role of Kermit and several other voices that had previously been done by Henson, and this is also the first movie directed Jims son Brian.  It is also the first movie co-produced by Disney. 

6 Ninja Stars.

Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

And the theme of revamping old works continued in this horrid rendition of film.  Tim Curry and Billy Connoly do an alright job as Long John Silver and Billy Bones…but I think this movie was just a failed concept that made it all the way through production.  Muppets shouldn’t be swashbucklers, and high adventure and derring-do are not their stock in trade. 

4 Ninja Stars.

Muppets from Space (1999)

This movie was a breath of fresh air of an original plot, but is not the best of the Muppet movies.  The songs are not as good as previous Muppet films since most are just revamps of classic soul and funk tunes…which I like…but aren’t really “classic Muppet,” and frankly, the cameos are lacking as well.  In just 20 years the quality of cameo stars went from titans like Bob Hope and Richard Pryor to Katie Holmes and Hulk Hogan.  But despite not hitting the two notorious high spots in Muppet films, the plot is actually intriguing.  Gonzo, always the loner, always the outsider, starts longing for his real family outside of the Muppet family…and realizes that his family is trying to contact him…from space!  Yes friends, Gonzo is an alien.  I know it’ll take you a while to digest that, so I’ll wait.  Done?  Well it really wasn’t that big a shock.  But the story does keep you entertained throughout, and this movie introduces Pepe the King Prawn.  He’s funny.

6.5 Ninja Stars.

The Muppets Wizard of Oz (2005)

Ok, I’ll admit it.  I never saw this one.  It just looks bad.  It looks not like a remake of “The Wizard of Oz” as much as a remake of “The Wiz.”  Frankly, I had no idea this was even out there until I started doing research for this blog post. 

Can’t rate a movie I’ve never seen.

The Muppets (2011)

Ah, the long awaited return of the Muppets to the big screen!  And this movie did not disappoint.  Amy Adams and Jason Segel are the two human plot movers this time around, and this Muppet movie has nod after nod to every incarnation of past Muppet glory.  The gang has to get back together for one last big show, and as a fan not just of the Muppet movies, but of the Muppet Show, this film had a lot of moments that seemed hand-picked just for me to remember and treasure.  The cameos are still there, and some of them are humorous, some of them not as much, but that’s the same in all Muppet films, and there is music too…and the music is one of the highlights of the film.  For instance, when the cast comes together to sing the theme to the Muppet show, I started to well up.  When Kermit struck the first chords of “The Rainbow Connection” on his banjo, I wanted to sing along, but I couldn’t…because I was in tears.  It may come as a surprise to some of you loyal readers, but this ninja is a pretty easy cry at a good movie. 

8 Ninja Stars

Oh, and the fact that I learned just weeks before seeing this film, that “Mahna Mahna” the quintessential song from the first episode of “The Muppet Show” that also featured at the end of The Muppets, came from a Swedish softcore porn just makes me like Muppets all the more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXo1ufdQ4sg (No nudity, but you hear the song)

Noah Westerfield fully believes in the power of the Lovers, the Dreamers, and YOU!

The Worst of Christmas on Film

Last blog gentle reader, you heard me expound upon the virtues of my most treasured holiday films.  Today though, I blow my nose in the general direction of some of the garbage that, despite my wishes and numerous letters to studio heads, somehow manage to get replayed every year…and some that blessedly have ceased to see normal viewing, and must be sought out for their sheer horridness.

I’ll start by alienating several of you quickly by saying unequivocally that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, or the Abominable Snowman, or any other claymation feature no longer has any place on my TV screen.  We’ve come a long way baby since the humble days of claymation, and just because something is considered a holiday classic doesn’t mean we should have to be subjected to it’s herky jerky clumsy stop-motion antics any longer.  It would be one thing if it were something like Robot Chicken, which uses that media to make fun of these things, but it’s not.  It’s old rubbish and we’re supposed to gobble it up like the Christmas goose.  Well I for one am not taking another bite.  When I see these on TV, I change the station, no matter how many children I make cry because of it.  I’d rather watch a whole season of Toddlers and Tiaras than one more minute of bad old claymation.

2 Ninja Stars.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey)

Now…it’s hard to say how much I would hate this movie if I didn’t love the animated version so much.  It is quite a bad movie to start with, and Jim Carrey is at his worst, trying too hard to put too much into his quirkiness, when subtlety is what would have worked much better.  And let’s just add in the fact that the cartoon version took a book that can be read aloud in about 12 minutes, and stretched that into a half hour cartoon with some addition of singing.  This film took that half hour and tried to stretch it out into two miserable hours by adding schtick.  Schtick I can generally handle, hell, I am a HUGE fan of Mel Brooks films, but this is really contrived schtick, and it just never works.  

1 Ninja Star.

Polar Express

Yet another timeless Christmas book that has been adapted into a feature length motion picture.  And I dunno who decided to make all the characters creepy, but nobody stopped that person.  This movie also suffers from the syndrome of trying to take a childrens’ book that is not an epic novel, and stretching that out into full theatrical length.  The characters are wooden when they’re not creepy, and Tom Hanks vocal work as the conductor is out of place, cause his version of “warm” vocal work still sounds like Woody from Toy Story.

3 Ninja Stars.

Jingle all the Way

I have a great idea for a Christmas movie for you.  We’ll poke fun at the commercialization that Christmas has become by having Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad battle from store to store trying to find the “it” toy for their kids.  I just don’t buy Ahnold as a comedic figure.  I’ll give him True Lies, but he was playing an action role and just happened to have a few funny lines, while most of the REAL funny was done by Tom Ahnold…wait…I may have just confused myself. 

*takes a ninja chill stance*

Ok, I was right.  As I generally am.  Jingle all the Way was bad. 

3 Ninja Stars.

Santa Claus the Movie

Here’s another great Christmas movie to pitch! Let’s get Dudley Moore, who everyone associates with being drunk, and have him play an Elf! Then we’ll have him try to take over for Santa, and we’ll get John Lithgow to play an evil toymaker who teams up with the elf to fully take Santa out of the picture, mob style.  They fail because they make cheap toys that break, and there is some sort of plot involving lollipops that make you fly. 

4 Ninja Stars. Cause Lithgow plays evil well, and I love thinking of Santa having a drunk elf named Patch.

Jack Frost 

In what was meant to be a movie for kids, the creators of this traumatizing monstrosity made a movie that will turn normal kids into bedwetters in just two hours.  Michael Keaton stars as Jack Frost, the leader of the Jack Frost Band…who plays Christmas songs.  Yeah.  It’s that contrived just to start out.  But then Jack dies in a car crash, but somehow comes back to life as a snowman that has to teach his son the true meaning of Christmas.  Now even if you think you can handle that mess, let me also tell you that there is a lot of music in this horrorshow.  Keaton takes a turn behind the mike.  If that isn’t enough to shake you, the rest of the soundtrack features Hanson and the Spice Girls.  Take THAT!

2 Ninja Stars.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

This is by leaps and bounds the worst holiday special ever committed to film.  It was made in 1978 and it was such a horrid atrocity in conception, direction, and execution that it was only ever aired once.  And those that watched couldn’t believe how bad it was.  Luckily there were some hardcore Star Wars fans who taped this mess and therefore the film has managed to survive on the VHS black market for years, and with the advent of digital technology, a simple google video search can get you the entire 2 hour festival of folly, complete with the local TV commercials.  Basically, Han and Chewie are flying to the Wookiee home planet of Kashyyyk for “Life Day” celebration, where Chewie is eventually reunited with his father Itchy, his wife Malla, and his son Lumpy.  The majority of the dialogue in this feature is performed by the wookiees…without translations or subtitles, so you get a lot of wookieespeak and gestures and your friends looking at you wondering why you forced them to watch this.  Bea Arthur sings a song badly to the tune played in the Mos Eisley Cantina.  Carrie Fisher sings a song set to the Star Wars theme while under the influence of who knows how many or what kinds of illicit substances.  There’s also a randomly inserted music video by Jefferson Spaceship…also done quite badly.  You remember Jefferson Spaceship right? They used to be Jefferson Airplane when they were good, then they started to suck and changed to Jefferson Spaceship which never was good and only ever sucked.  You still think you might give this one a go just to spite me? Very well, go ahead.  But be warned…there is also softcore wookiee porn. 

5 Ninja Stars.  This one is so bad, it almost gets to good, but doesn’t.  It gets the 5 stars because of it’s applications in drinking games, and because it DOES introduce Boba Fett into the Star Wars universe. 

Noah Westerfield is waiting for you under the mistletoe…