Last blog gentle reader, you heard me expound upon the virtues of my most treasured holiday films. Today though, I blow my nose in the general direction of some of the garbage that, despite my wishes and numerous letters to studio heads, somehow manage to get replayed every year…and some that blessedly have ceased to see normal viewing, and must be sought out for their sheer horridness.
I’ll start by alienating several of you quickly by saying unequivocally that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, or the Abominable Snowman, or any other claymation feature no longer has any place on my TV screen. We’ve come a long way baby since the humble days of claymation, and just because something is considered a holiday classic doesn’t mean we should have to be subjected to it’s herky jerky clumsy stop-motion antics any longer. It would be one thing if it were something like Robot Chicken, which uses that media to make fun of these things, but it’s not. It’s old rubbish and we’re supposed to gobble it up like the Christmas goose. Well I for not taking another bite. When I see these on TV, I change the station, no matter how many children I make cry because of it. I’d rather watch a whole season of Toddlers and Tiaras than one more minute of bad old claymation.
2 Ninja Stars.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey)
Now…it’s hard to say how much I would hate this movie if I didn’t love the animated version so much. It is quite a bad movie to start with, and Jim Carrey is at his worst, trying too hard to put too much into his quirkiness, when subtlety is what would have worked much better. And let’s just add in the fact that the cartoon version took a book that can be read aloud in about 12 minutes, and stretched that into a half hour cartoon with some addition of singing. This film took that half hour and tried to stretch it out into two miserable hours by adding schtick. Schtick I can generally handle, hell, I am a HUGE fan of Mel Brooks films, but this is really contrived schtick, and it just never works.
1 Ninja Star.
Polar Express
Yet another timeless Christmas book that has been adapted into a feature length motion picture. And I dunno who decided to make all the characters creepy, but nobody stopped that person. This movie also suffers from the syndrome of trying to take a childrens’ book that is not an epic novel, and stretching that out into full theatrical length. The characters are wooden when they’re not creepy, and Tom Hanks vocal work as the conductor is out of place, cause his version of “warm” vocal work still sounds like Woody from Toy Story.
3 Ninja Stars.
Jingle all the Way
I have a great idea for a Christmas movie for you. We’ll poke fun at the commercialization that Christmas has become by having Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad battle from store to store trying to find the “it” toy for their kids. I just don’t buy Ahnold as a comedic figure. I’ll give him True Lies, but he was playing an action role and just happened to have a few funny lines, while most of the REAL funny was done by Tom Ahnold…wait…I may have just confused myself.
*takes a ninja chill stance*
Ok, I was right. As I generally am. Jingle all the Way was bad.
3 Ninja Stars.
Santa Claus the Movie
Here’s another great Christmas movie to pitch! Let’s get Dudley Moore, who everyone associates with being drunk, and have him play an Elf! Then we’ll have him try to take over for Santa, and we’ll get John Lithgow to play an evil toymaker who teams up with the elf to fully take Santa out of the picture, mob style. They fail because they make cheap toys that break, and there is some sort of plot involving lollipops that make you fly.
4 Ninja Stars. Cause Lithgow plays evil well, and I love thinking of Santa having a drunk elf named Patch.
Jack Frost
In what was meant to be a movie for kids, the creators of this traumatizing monstrosity made a movie that will turn normal kids into bedwetters in just two hours. Michael Keaton stars as Jack Frost, the leader of the Jack Frost Band…who plays Christmas songs. Yeah. It’s that contrived just to start out. But then Jack dies in a car crash, but somehow comes back to life as a snowman that has to teach his son the true meaning of Christmas. Now even if you think you can handle that mess, let me also tell you that there is a lot of music in this horrorshow. Keaton takes a turn behind the mike. If that isn’t enough to shake you, the rest of the soundtrack features Hanson and the Spice Girls. Take THAT!
2 Ninja Stars.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
This is by leaps and bounds the worst holiday special ever committed to film. It was made in 1978 and it was such a horrid atrocity in conception, direction, and execution that it was only ever aired once. And those that watched couldn’t believe how bad it was. Luckily there were some hardcore Star Wars fans who taped this mess and therefore the film has managed to survive on the VHS black market for years, and with the advent of digital technology, a simple google video search can get you the entire 2 hour festival of folly, complete with the local TV commercials. Basically, Han and Chewie are flying to the Wookiee home planet of Kashyyyk for “Life Day” celebration, where Chewie is eventually reunited with his father Itchy, his wife Malla, and his son Lumpy. The majority of the dialogue in this feature is performed by the wookiees…without translations or subtitles, so you get a lot of wookieespeak and gestures and your friends looking at you wondering why you forced them to watch this. Bea Arthur sings a song badly to the tune played in the Mos Eisley Cantina. Carrie Fisher sings a song set to the Star Wars theme while under the influence of who knows how many or what kinds of illicit substances. There’s also a randomly inserted music video by Jefferson Spaceship…also done quite badly. You remember Jefferson Spaceship right? They used to be Jefferson Airplane when they were good, then they started to suck and changed to Jefferson Spaceship which never was good and only ever sucked. You still think you might give this one a go just to spite me? Very well, go ahead. But be warned…there is also softcore wookiee porn.
5 Ninja Stars. This one is so bad, it almost gets to good, but doesn’t. It gets the 5 stars because of it’s applications in drinking games, and because it DOES introduce Boba Fett into the Star Wars universe.
Noah Westerfield is waiting for you under the mistletoe…
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