Superman Films get Ninja'd

Let me start, gentle reader, by proclaiming my love for Superman.  I cannot remember a time in my life before I had seen Superman.  Some of my earliest childhood memories are dumping all the toys out of the big yellow box that housed them, so I could pretend it was my spaceship, as I was young Kal-El being sent to Earth from Krypton. Christopher Reeve made me believe a man could fly, and I went as Superman for Halloween the first 7 years of my life.  There are many pictures of this ninja as a young man making his “heat vision” eyes at the camera.  My brother took our shared love of Superman a step further and for pretty much the entire year when he was 4-5 he wore a Superman cape over his clothes…everywhere.  Church, the store, the Library, baseball games…he was sporting his red cape with the familiar “S” logo.  My brother is more awesome than pretty much anyone, that’s just one of the proofs.  Ok, enough family discussion, let’s dive in!

Superman (1978)

Ah, this is truly one of the greatest tributes to Comic Books ever put to film.  First of all, John Williams' score is phenomenal.  The heroic fanfare chills me every time, and I just want to put my arms out and take flight.  We start the film by introducing the villains for Superman II, General Zod and company, and we are also introduced to Jor-El, played by Marlon Brando with his traditional air of superiority.  We see the story of how Superman comes to earth, his parents tearfully loading him in a spaceship, sending it towards Earth as the planet Krypton destroys itself.  Then we get a nice long piece about young Clark, and the pressures of growing up with super powers, the desire to use those powers to get glory and get the girl, but Ma and Pa Kent are right there on the Smallville farm to bring him back to a center, to teach him that powers like his are meant to do more than score touchdowns.  When Pa suffers a heart attack and dies, Clark strikes out on his own to the big city of Metropolis, to protect humanity as Superman.  What better way to find out where trouble is brewing than by working in a newspaper? So, off to the Daily Planet he goes, meeting Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen.  To disguise his identity from the world, he puts on some glasses and slouches.  Great disguise there buddy.  But in a classic “wink to the audience” moment, everybody else is fooled, so we go along with it.  Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor was done with some camp and cheese, but not terribly so.  There is just enough evil showing through that veneer of comedy to make you truly believe this man just wants to get rid of your hero.  There’s a nice message about the dangers of nuclear bombs, a theme that will be revisited many times in future Superman films, and we get a happy ending, which only happens because Superman takes the previous sad ending and turns back time to fix it.  Not quite a super power that we see him use in any of the comics…but hey, it’s Superman after all.  He can do anything...right?

8.5 Ninja Stars.

Superman II (1980)

This movie was shot concurrently with Superman, so the cast is unchanged, with the note that Marlon Brando decided he wasn’t getting enough money for the 5 minutes or so he was in Superman, so he sued for $50 million dollars.  Therefore, he was cut out of the theatrical release of Superman II.  General Zod, Ursa, and Non have been found guilty of trying to start a revolution to overthrow the government of Krypton. Krypton is far too advanced for such things as a death penalty, they are placed in a confinement called the Negative Zone, a throwback to the Comics, invented by Superman’s father Jor-El.  This would be the reason the thugs have it out for Superman once they break free of their prison.  Another “danger of nuclear weapons” comes early on, as it is the missile that Superman casually tosses into space in the previous movie that shatters the Negative Zone and frees the baddies.  In this film we get to see Superman battle with his desire to be human in order to fully be with Lois Lane, so he gives up his powers and then has a forehead smacking moment because it’s just then that the baddies go on live television and make the President their new playtoy.  Luckily Superman gets his powers back just in the nick of time to save the planet once again, and he tries to get back to his previous life. But wait! Lois has found out his secret identity, despite all the pains he took to keep his lives separated!  Well no problem.  Superman gives her some sort of mind-erasing kiss.  Again…not a power Superman has ever shown in the comics…but oh well.

7 Ninja Stars.

Superman III (1983)

Like the Batman franchise, after two successful movies under the same creative team, a decision is made to change directions, and the movies are never the same again.  They bring Christopher Reeve and the Daily Planet crew back, but most of the plot involves new characters, including Richard Pryor as Gus, the somewhat shady hacker who ends up under the thumb of his megalomaniacal boss and his evil sister.  Why does every megalomaniacal boss have an evil sister anyway?  Clark goes to his High School reunion and, like a boss, hooks up with the girl he wanted in High School but was too awkward to get, Lana Lang, portrayed by Annette O’Toole…who, let’s face it, gets a much higher “rawr” rating than Margot Kidder.  This movie is much cheesier, Pryor isn’t really given a chance to be Pryor since this is a movie aimed at kids, and there’s a disturbing bit where Superman faces Evil Superman.  One fun bit is the mayhem that Evil Superman wreaks on the world.  He gets drunk and flicks peanuts at booze bottles at the speed of a bullet, straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa, rips open an oil tanker to cause another Exxon Valdez, and blows out the Olympic Flame.  Oh Evil Superman, you nutty guy!

4.5 Ninja Stars.   

Supergirl (1984)

I was so enamored with the entire Superman franchise as a young man, my dad took me to see this movie in the theater.   It’s the first time I can ever remember walking out of a movie and thinking…”That wasn’t very good.” And what can I say, after reviewing the movie for this blog, I must say my 4-year old self was right, but my adult self can appreciate better Helen Slater in that outfit.  Rawr.

2 Ninja Stars for that outfit alone.

Superman IV The Quest for Peace (1987) 

This is the movie that really shoves in your face that whole “nuclear bombs are bad” idea that is prevalent throughout the Superman films.  Reeve and Hackman are back to play Superman and Lex Luthor, who plots to use a sample of Superman’s own DNA to create a new nemesis: Nuclear Man! The guy looks like he spent way too much time on a California beach.  This is a mostly forgettable film done on a shoestring budget that cut corners at every turn.  Nobody who was in the film thought it would be good…and it isn’t.

3 Ninja Stars for the sheer fact that it’s the last time we see Reeve don the cape before his tragic accident in 1995.

Superman Returns (2006)

The revamp!  After nearly a decade away from the silver screen, Superman Returns…but he probably should have just stayed away.  Bryan Singer directs this crapfest in his traditional manner.  Poorly.  The plot picks up about 5 years after the events of Superman II, ignoring, and perhaps rightly so, Superman III and IV.  There are some elements of this movie that I really do like, particularly the portrayal of Lex Luthor by Kevin Spacey, and the overall plotline is one that is worthy of Superman.  But it’s just not good.  Brandon Routh, who does bear a resemblance to Reeve, is flat as both Clark Kent and as Superman.  Kate Bosworth is not convincing as Lois Lane supposedly torn between Superman and her new flame, Astronaut Richard White, played by attractive block of wood James Marsden.  This movie left me wanting more, and not in that good way, but in the "I waited all this time for THAT hunk of nonsense?" kind of way.

4 Ninja Stars.

Man of Steel (2013)

The Re-Revamp!  This go-round is a clean start of the Superman franchise directed by Zach Snyder who directed two other Comic Book films: 300 and Watchmen.  I enjoyed both those movies, so I have high hopes for what he can do with my beloved Superman, and the fact that Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer are also attached makes me want to happydance in anticipation.

Noah Westerfield had to wait many years and undergo extensive Ninja training before learning how to fly...but really, it's all in the cape.