Superman Films get Ninja'd

Let me start, gentle reader, by proclaiming my love for Superman.  I cannot remember a time in my life before I had seen Superman.  Some of my earliest childhood memories are dumping all the toys out of the big yellow box that housed them, so I could pretend it was my spaceship, as I was young Kal-El being sent to Earth from Krypton. Christopher Reeve made me believe a man could fly, and I went as Superman for Halloween the first 7 years of my life.  There are many pictures of this ninja as a young man making his “heat vision” eyes at the camera.  My brother took our shared love of Superman a step further and for pretty much the entire year when he was 4-5 he wore a Superman cape over his clothes…everywhere.  Church, the store, the Library, baseball games…he was sporting his red cape with the familiar “S” logo.  My brother is more awesome than pretty much anyone, that’s just one of the proofs.  Ok, enough family discussion, let’s dive in!

Superman (1978)

Ah, this is truly one of the greatest tributes to Comic Books ever put to film.  First of all, John Williams' score is phenomenal.  The heroic fanfare chills me every time, and I just want to put my arms out and take flight.  We start the film by introducing the villains for Superman II, General Zod and company, and we are also introduced to Jor-El, played by Marlon Brando with his traditional air of superiority.  We see the story of how Superman comes to earth, his parents tearfully loading him in a spaceship, sending it towards Earth as the planet Krypton destroys itself.  Then we get a nice long piece about young Clark, and the pressures of growing up with super powers, the desire to use those powers to get glory and get the girl, but Ma and Pa Kent are right there on the Smallville farm to bring him back to a center, to teach him that powers like his are meant to do more than score touchdowns.  When Pa suffers a heart attack and dies, Clark strikes out on his own to the big city of Metropolis, to protect humanity as Superman.  What better way to find out where trouble is brewing than by working in a newspaper? So, off to the Daily Planet he goes, meeting Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen.  To disguise his identity from the world, he puts on some glasses and slouches.  Great disguise there buddy.  But in a classic “wink to the audience” moment, everybody else is fooled, so we go along with it.  Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor was done with some camp and cheese, but not terribly so.  There is just enough evil showing through that veneer of comedy to make you truly believe this man just wants to get rid of your hero.  There’s a nice message about the dangers of nuclear bombs, a theme that will be revisited many times in future Superman films, and we get a happy ending, which only happens because Superman takes the previous sad ending and turns back time to fix it.  Not quite a super power that we see him use in any of the comics…but hey, it’s Superman after all.  He can do anything...right?

8.5 Ninja Stars.

Superman II (1980)

This movie was shot concurrently with Superman, so the cast is unchanged, with the note that Marlon Brando decided he wasn’t getting enough money for the 5 minutes or so he was in Superman, so he sued for $50 million dollars.  Therefore, he was cut out of the theatrical release of Superman II.  General Zod, Ursa, and Non have been found guilty of trying to start a revolution to overthrow the government of Krypton. Krypton is far too advanced for such things as a death penalty, they are placed in a confinement called the Negative Zone, a throwback to the Comics, invented by Superman’s father Jor-El.  This would be the reason the thugs have it out for Superman once they break free of their prison.  Another “danger of nuclear weapons” comes early on, as it is the missile that Superman casually tosses into space in the previous movie that shatters the Negative Zone and frees the baddies.  In this film we get to see Superman battle with his desire to be human in order to fully be with Lois Lane, so he gives up his powers and then has a forehead smacking moment because it’s just then that the baddies go on live television and make the President their new playtoy.  Luckily Superman gets his powers back just in the nick of time to save the planet once again, and he tries to get back to his previous life. But wait! Lois has found out his secret identity, despite all the pains he took to keep his lives separated!  Well no problem.  Superman gives her some sort of mind-erasing kiss.  Again…not a power Superman has ever shown in the comics…but oh well.

7 Ninja Stars.

Superman III (1983)

Like the Batman franchise, after two successful movies under the same creative team, a decision is made to change directions, and the movies are never the same again.  They bring Christopher Reeve and the Daily Planet crew back, but most of the plot involves new characters, including Richard Pryor as Gus, the somewhat shady hacker who ends up under the thumb of his megalomaniacal boss and his evil sister.  Why does every megalomaniacal boss have an evil sister anyway?  Clark goes to his High School reunion and, like a boss, hooks up with the girl he wanted in High School but was too awkward to get, Lana Lang, portrayed by Annette O’Toole…who, let’s face it, gets a much higher “rawr” rating than Margot Kidder.  This movie is much cheesier, Pryor isn’t really given a chance to be Pryor since this is a movie aimed at kids, and there’s a disturbing bit where Superman faces Evil Superman.  One fun bit is the mayhem that Evil Superman wreaks on the world.  He gets drunk and flicks peanuts at booze bottles at the speed of a bullet, straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa, rips open an oil tanker to cause another Exxon Valdez, and blows out the Olympic Flame.  Oh Evil Superman, you nutty guy!

4.5 Ninja Stars.   

Supergirl (1984)

I was so enamored with the entire Superman franchise as a young man, my dad took me to see this movie in the theater.   It’s the first time I can ever remember walking out of a movie and thinking…”That wasn’t very good.” And what can I say, after reviewing the movie for this blog, I must say my 4-year old self was right, but my adult self can appreciate better Helen Slater in that outfit.  Rawr.

2 Ninja Stars for that outfit alone.

Superman IV The Quest for Peace (1987) 

This is the movie that really shoves in your face that whole “nuclear bombs are bad” idea that is prevalent throughout the Superman films.  Reeve and Hackman are back to play Superman and Lex Luthor, who plots to use a sample of Superman’s own DNA to create a new nemesis: Nuclear Man! The guy looks like he spent way too much time on a California beach.  This is a mostly forgettable film done on a shoestring budget that cut corners at every turn.  Nobody who was in the film thought it would be good…and it isn’t.

3 Ninja Stars for the sheer fact that it’s the last time we see Reeve don the cape before his tragic accident in 1995.

Superman Returns (2006)

The revamp!  After nearly a decade away from the silver screen, Superman Returns…but he probably should have just stayed away.  Bryan Singer directs this crapfest in his traditional manner.  Poorly.  The plot picks up about 5 years after the events of Superman II, ignoring, and perhaps rightly so, Superman III and IV.  There are some elements of this movie that I really do like, particularly the portrayal of Lex Luthor by Kevin Spacey, and the overall plotline is one that is worthy of Superman.  But it’s just not good.  Brandon Routh, who does bear a resemblance to Reeve, is flat as both Clark Kent and as Superman.  Kate Bosworth is not convincing as Lois Lane supposedly torn between Superman and her new flame, Astronaut Richard White, played by attractive block of wood James Marsden.  This movie left me wanting more, and not in that good way, but in the "I waited all this time for THAT hunk of nonsense?" kind of way.

4 Ninja Stars.

Man of Steel (2013)

The Re-Revamp!  This go-round is a clean start of the Superman franchise directed by Zach Snyder who directed two other Comic Book films: 300 and Watchmen.  I enjoyed both those movies, so I have high hopes for what he can do with my beloved Superman, and the fact that Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer are also attached makes me want to happydance in anticipation.

Noah Westerfield had to wait many years and undergo extensive Ninja training before learning how to fly...but really, it's all in the cape.

The Muppets long slumber is finally over...OR...It's about time someone put their hand up Kermit's butt

The Walt Disney Company, after previous unsuccessful attempts, purchased the Muppets in 2004.  Since then they had done absolutely nothing with the franchise, save for releasing some DVD’s of the Muppet Show, the horrendous looking Muppet Wizard of Oz, and making a few youtube videos.  Not what I would call a good use of one of my favorite childhood entertainment groups.  Now that the new Muppet Movie is out in theaters, I figured it would be a good time to look back on the lore of Muppets in movies. 

The Muppet Movie (1979)

I am rather conflicted about this movie.  Obviously it deserves some merit for being the first of the Muppet film adventures, but it is at times my least favorite of the Muppet films that have an original storyline, but at other times it really shines.  And those times are the songs and cameos.  Edgar Bergen (in his final film appearance), Milton Berle, Mel Brooks, James Coburn, Dom DeLuise, Elliot Gould, Bob Hope, Madeline Kahn, Carol Kane, Cloris Leachman, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, Telly Savalas, and Orson Welles all have cameo appearances and they set the bar high for cameos in Muppet movies to follow.  Along with the cameos, the songs and the soundtrack are some of the best in Muppet film.  I know all the words to The Rainbow Connection, Moving Right Along, Never Before, Never Again, I Hope that Something Better Comes Along, Can you Picture That?, and I’m Going to go Back there Someday.  But that said…the plot of this movie is just not good.  If you’ve never seen this movie, the bad guy is a fried frog legs restaurant owner who wants Kermit to be his spokesperson.  Yeah.  THAT bad.  Thankfully any time the plot starts to take too long, we get another cameo, or a song.     

6.5 Ninja Stars.

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

This is by far my favorite Muppet Movie.  It has great songs, awesome cameos, and the plot is fun too!  Kermit and Fozzie play identical twins reporting on a series of jewel thieves, and Gonzo plays their photographer.  The trio travel to London where they come across the rest of the gang at the Happiness Hotel.  If I ever get to go to London, I want to stay there.  It’s another of the songs I know all the words to, and will gladly serenade you with at any time day or night.  The single greatest cameo in all of Muppetdom is John Cleese as the wealthy owner of the house at 17 Highbrow Street.  Diana Rigg and Charles Grodin are the two main human characters as siblings Nicky and Lady Holiday.  At one point, Kermit thinks Piggy is the rich fashion designer Lady Holiday and takes her to the ritzy Dubonnet Club, where a line takes place that I didn’t get as a kid, but cracks me up to no end as an adult (a trick that makes Muppet movies fun for ALL ages).  Fozzie, watching Kermit and Piggy dance, is stirring sugar into a martini glass…he looks to the table next to him and says: “Ya know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff it tastes just like Ginger Ale!”  Then there is the intercutting of the two groups getting ready for the big final scene.  The thieves go down their checklist of supplies:

Nicky: Wire cutters?

Carla: Check.

Nicky: Key scrambler?

Marla: Check.

Nicky: Grappling gun?

Darla: Check.

Cut to the Muppets in the shambles of the Happiness Hotel…

Fozzie: Whoopee cushion?

Kermit: Check.

Fozzie: Frisbee?
Scooter: Uh…lost.

Fozzie: Wax lips?

Zoot: Man, I just had them!

Floyd: Are they in your other pants?

Zoot: I don’t HAVE no other pants!

And when the announcer starts doing the play-by-play of the recapturing of the “fabulous” baseball diamond (pause for groaning due to bad pun), I can’t help but laugh.  This movie is fun and timeless from start to finish.  I highly recommend it to kids of all ages.

9 Ninja Stars.

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)

This holds the title as my second favorite of the Muppet movies, and basically, it’s a remake of “The Muppet Movie,” but with a much more enjoyable plot.  In both movies, Kermit has to pitch his idea for a great show, and has to get his gang together in order to make the show work.  But in Manhattan, there’s the glory of New York, and thereby the glory of New Yorkers, like Pete the restaurant owner, and the scene in Central Park where Piggy gets mugged and “borrows” some skates from Gregory Hines.  If you’ve never seen a Muppet on roller skates…find this movie.  And at one point Kermit gets amnesia and in trying to start a new life becomes a soap salesman.  It just doesn't get much more off the wall than that.

8.5 Ninja Stars.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

And here begins the phase where the majority of Muppet movies are just rehashes of previous films, only done with Muppets.  This is the best of those, as the charming nature of the Muppets carries over fantastically into Charles Dickens classic Christmas tale.  Michael Caine plays Scrooge fantastically, and this movie is notable for several reasons.  Firstly, this is the first Muppet movie to be done following the death of Jim Henson in 1990.  Steve Whitmire took over the role of Kermit and several other voices that had previously been done by Henson, and this is also the first movie directed Jims son Brian.  It is also the first movie co-produced by Disney. 

6 Ninja Stars.

Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

And the theme of revamping old works continued in this horrid rendition of film.  Tim Curry and Billy Connoly do an alright job as Long John Silver and Billy Bones…but I think this movie was just a failed concept that made it all the way through production.  Muppets shouldn’t be swashbucklers, and high adventure and derring-do are not their stock in trade. 

4 Ninja Stars.

Muppets from Space (1999)

This movie was a breath of fresh air of an original plot, but is not the best of the Muppet movies.  The songs are not as good as previous Muppet films since most are just revamps of classic soul and funk tunes…which I like…but aren’t really “classic Muppet,” and frankly, the cameos are lacking as well.  In just 20 years the quality of cameo stars went from titans like Bob Hope and Richard Pryor to Katie Holmes and Hulk Hogan.  But despite not hitting the two notorious high spots in Muppet films, the plot is actually intriguing.  Gonzo, always the loner, always the outsider, starts longing for his real family outside of the Muppet family…and realizes that his family is trying to contact him…from space!  Yes friends, Gonzo is an alien.  I know it’ll take you a while to digest that, so I’ll wait.  Done?  Well it really wasn’t that big a shock.  But the story does keep you entertained throughout, and this movie introduces Pepe the King Prawn.  He’s funny.

6.5 Ninja Stars.

The Muppets Wizard of Oz (2005)

Ok, I’ll admit it.  I never saw this one.  It just looks bad.  It looks not like a remake of “The Wizard of Oz” as much as a remake of “The Wiz.”  Frankly, I had no idea this was even out there until I started doing research for this blog post. 

Can’t rate a movie I’ve never seen.

The Muppets (2011)

Ah, the long awaited return of the Muppets to the big screen!  And this movie did not disappoint.  Amy Adams and Jason Segel are the two human plot movers this time around, and this Muppet movie has nod after nod to every incarnation of past Muppet glory.  The gang has to get back together for one last big show, and as a fan not just of the Muppet movies, but of the Muppet Show, this film had a lot of moments that seemed hand-picked just for me to remember and treasure.  The cameos are still there, and some of them are humorous, some of them not as much, but that’s the same in all Muppet films, and there is music too…and the music is one of the highlights of the film.  For instance, when the cast comes together to sing the theme to the Muppet show, I started to well up.  When Kermit struck the first chords of “The Rainbow Connection” on his banjo, I wanted to sing along, but I couldn’t…because I was in tears.  It may come as a surprise to some of you loyal readers, but this ninja is a pretty easy cry at a good movie. 

8 Ninja Stars

Oh, and the fact that I learned just weeks before seeing this film, that “Mahna Mahna” the quintessential song from the first episode of “The Muppet Show” that also featured at the end of The Muppets, came from a Swedish softcore porn just makes me like Muppets all the more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXo1ufdQ4sg (No nudity, but you hear the song)

Noah Westerfield fully believes in the power of the Lovers, the Dreamers, and YOU!

The Worst of Christmas on Film

Last blog gentle reader, you heard me expound upon the virtues of my most treasured holiday films.  Today though, I blow my nose in the general direction of some of the garbage that, despite my wishes and numerous letters to studio heads, somehow manage to get replayed every year…and some that blessedly have ceased to see normal viewing, and must be sought out for their sheer horridness.

I’ll start by alienating several of you quickly by saying unequivocally that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, or the Abominable Snowman, or any other claymation feature no longer has any place on my TV screen.  We’ve come a long way baby since the humble days of claymation, and just because something is considered a holiday classic doesn’t mean we should have to be subjected to it’s herky jerky clumsy stop-motion antics any longer.  It would be one thing if it were something like Robot Chicken, which uses that media to make fun of these things, but it’s not.  It’s old rubbish and we’re supposed to gobble it up like the Christmas goose.  Well I for one am not taking another bite.  When I see these on TV, I change the station, no matter how many children I make cry because of it.  I’d rather watch a whole season of Toddlers and Tiaras than one more minute of bad old claymation.

2 Ninja Stars.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey)

Now…it’s hard to say how much I would hate this movie if I didn’t love the animated version so much.  It is quite a bad movie to start with, and Jim Carrey is at his worst, trying too hard to put too much into his quirkiness, when subtlety is what would have worked much better.  And let’s just add in the fact that the cartoon version took a book that can be read aloud in about 12 minutes, and stretched that into a half hour cartoon with some addition of singing.  This film took that half hour and tried to stretch it out into two miserable hours by adding schtick.  Schtick I can generally handle, hell, I am a HUGE fan of Mel Brooks films, but this is really contrived schtick, and it just never works.  

1 Ninja Star.

Polar Express

Yet another timeless Christmas book that has been adapted into a feature length motion picture.  And I dunno who decided to make all the characters creepy, but nobody stopped that person.  This movie also suffers from the syndrome of trying to take a childrens’ book that is not an epic novel, and stretching that out into full theatrical length.  The characters are wooden when they’re not creepy, and Tom Hanks vocal work as the conductor is out of place, cause his version of “warm” vocal work still sounds like Woody from Toy Story.

3 Ninja Stars.

Jingle all the Way

I have a great idea for a Christmas movie for you.  We’ll poke fun at the commercialization that Christmas has become by having Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad battle from store to store trying to find the “it” toy for their kids.  I just don’t buy Ahnold as a comedic figure.  I’ll give him True Lies, but he was playing an action role and just happened to have a few funny lines, while most of the REAL funny was done by Tom Ahnold…wait…I may have just confused myself. 

*takes a ninja chill stance*

Ok, I was right.  As I generally am.  Jingle all the Way was bad. 

3 Ninja Stars.

Santa Claus the Movie

Here’s another great Christmas movie to pitch! Let’s get Dudley Moore, who everyone associates with being drunk, and have him play an Elf! Then we’ll have him try to take over for Santa, and we’ll get John Lithgow to play an evil toymaker who teams up with the elf to fully take Santa out of the picture, mob style.  They fail because they make cheap toys that break, and there is some sort of plot involving lollipops that make you fly. 

4 Ninja Stars. Cause Lithgow plays evil well, and I love thinking of Santa having a drunk elf named Patch.

Jack Frost 

In what was meant to be a movie for kids, the creators of this traumatizing monstrosity made a movie that will turn normal kids into bedwetters in just two hours.  Michael Keaton stars as Jack Frost, the leader of the Jack Frost Band…who plays Christmas songs.  Yeah.  It’s that contrived just to start out.  But then Jack dies in a car crash, but somehow comes back to life as a snowman that has to teach his son the true meaning of Christmas.  Now even if you think you can handle that mess, let me also tell you that there is a lot of music in this horrorshow.  Keaton takes a turn behind the mike.  If that isn’t enough to shake you, the rest of the soundtrack features Hanson and the Spice Girls.  Take THAT!

2 Ninja Stars.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

This is by leaps and bounds the worst holiday special ever committed to film.  It was made in 1978 and it was such a horrid atrocity in conception, direction, and execution that it was only ever aired once.  And those that watched couldn’t believe how bad it was.  Luckily there were some hardcore Star Wars fans who taped this mess and therefore the film has managed to survive on the VHS black market for years, and with the advent of digital technology, a simple google video search can get you the entire 2 hour festival of folly, complete with the local TV commercials.  Basically, Han and Chewie are flying to the Wookiee home planet of Kashyyyk for “Life Day” celebration, where Chewie is eventually reunited with his father Itchy, his wife Malla, and his son Lumpy.  The majority of the dialogue in this feature is performed by the wookiees…without translations or subtitles, so you get a lot of wookieespeak and gestures and your friends looking at you wondering why you forced them to watch this.  Bea Arthur sings a song badly to the tune played in the Mos Eisley Cantina.  Carrie Fisher sings a song set to the Star Wars theme while under the influence of who knows how many or what kinds of illicit substances.  There’s also a randomly inserted music video by Jefferson Spaceship…also done quite badly.  You remember Jefferson Spaceship right? They used to be Jefferson Airplane when they were good, then they started to suck and changed to Jefferson Spaceship which never was good and only ever sucked.  You still think you might give this one a go just to spite me? Very well, go ahead.  But be warned…there is also softcore wookiee porn. 

5 Ninja Stars.  This one is so bad, it almost gets to good, but doesn’t.  It gets the 5 stars because of it’s applications in drinking games, and because it DOES introduce Boba Fett into the Star Wars universe. 

Noah Westerfield is waiting for you under the mistletoe…

The Best of Christmas Movies

The Best of Christmas on Film

By Noah Westerfield, the Film Ninja

Home Alone

OK, so to start with, I realize this might not make your top Christmas movies, but I am the one making this list, and I happen to be the same age as Macauley Culkin, so this movie hit a resonant chord in me when it was released, and I watch it every stinkin year.  First of all, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern as the “Wet Bandits” are hilarious, and Culkin is at his best in this 1990 classic, and watching him lay the smack down on the two would-be house thieves is just plain fun.  Great cameo by the late John Candy as Gus Polinksi, leader of the Kinosha Kickers polka band.  This movie was number one at the box office for 16 straight weeks, well past the Christmas season, and was still in theaters come Easter.  Oh, and by the way, the score is done by John Williams, if you needed another reason to watch it again.
7.5 Ninja Stars.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

This is one of the Christmas movies I find myself quoting every time we go to get our annual tree.  Our living room has a 20-foot high ceiling, so we get an enormous tree to fill that space with…so getting said monstrous tree inside and up is an annual task I look forward to as much as going for my Physical examinations after the age of 40.  “Really full…full of sap.” is uttered at least a dozen times as my hands stick to any available surface after getting that monster tree inside every year.  Sadly Beverly D’Angelo doesn’t get topless as she does in the original “Vacation”.  Chevy Chase does quip his way through sight gag after sight gag, Elaine from Seinfield is in it, and you should just go watch it right now.

7 Ninja Stars.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

So this isn’t really a movie.  It’s a half-hour TV show that sums up in that short time the true meaning of Christmas while at the same time poking a finger at how commercialized Christmas has become…and it was made back in 1965.  It was the first prime time animated special based on Charles Schulz “Peanuts” characters, and has been aired every year since it was made, yet since the first airing, nobody has seen the total show, since bits were cut out that mentioned the initial sponsor, coca-cola.  When Linus does his monologue from the King James Bible, and then all the kids realize they have treated poor Charlie Brown wrong, it makes this ninja all melty inside. 

8 Ninja Stars.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

I am talking about the original animated version of the Dr. Seuss classic…not the horrid remake starring Jim Carrey, which will be discussed next week in my review of the “Worst Christmas Movies.”  The 1966 classic directed by Chuck Jones and narrated by the great Boris Karloff stands as another made for TV half hour classic that I can’t imagine getting to Christmas Day without having sat down to watch on TV.  I also enjoy it every time Thurl Ravenscroft’s voice comes on the radio to sing “You’re a Mean one Mr. Grinch.”  Dr. Seuss originally objected to Karloff doing the voice of the Grinch, because he thought he might make the surly character TOO scary.  Here’s how much I like this one.  One day when I have kids, I plan on reading them How the Grinch Stole Christmas every Christmas Eve before they go to bed.  And yes, my Grinch voice is the best Karloff impression I can muster with my tenor voice.

8.5 Ninja Stars.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Do any internet search for “worst Christmas movies of all time” and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians will undoubtedly be in a place of prominence, and it is just as bad as it sounds. So how can it possibly make it onto my favorites list? Well, being that bad makes it perfect material for the good people at MST3K (Mystery Science Theater 3000) who do a thorough job of making this movie not only watchable, but funny.  If you have never watched an episode of MST3K…this is a good one to start with.  You can thank me later.

7 Ninja Stars.

Gremlins

Wait a dosh garn minute here you sneaky ninja! This is not a Christmas movie, but a campy horror movie set during Christmas time!  Well gentle reader, you have me there.  But it IS set at Christmas, and is filled with Christmas themes, songs, visuals and the like, so there’s just no getting around this movie being inextricably linked with Christmas.  I can’t hear the song “Do you hear what I hear” without picturing Billy’s mom, played by Francis Lee McCain, stalking upstairs holding a kitchen knife to find steaming cocoons empty and the gremlins vanished.  Creeps me out.  Here’s a quick trivia note for you: comedian Howie Mandel provided the voice for Gizmo.  It’s the same voice he used for his animated TV show “Bobby’s World.”  And he used the exact same voice when he did voice work on the “Muppet Babies” TV show as the character Skeeter.  One voice, three paychecks.  Why can’t I get that gig?
7 Ninja Stars.

The Nightmare before Christmas

I was initially hesitant about this 1993 gem, even though I have a deep respect for Tim Burton, and a passion for the works of Danny Elfman.  But this one sucked me in with its genuine curiosity, imagination, and visuals.  Burton came up with the fundimental fragments of this story in the 80’s when he was working for Disney, but knew the material was a bit too dark for mouse ears, and while it was made under the Disney umbrella, it was released under Touchstone Pictures due to its dark themes.  Catherine O’Hara (who also played the mom in Home Alone) supplied the voice of the love interest Sally, one of my favorite comedians Greg Proops performs several voices, and Chris Sarandon (best known as Prince Humperdink from “The Princess Bride”) performs the voice of Jack, while Danny Elfman also does vocal work, and is the singing voice for Jack.  If you’ve never watched this one, I implore you to give it a shot…you might be impressed.
8 Ninja Stars.

Astute readers will notice that while I adore two TV shows made in the 60’s, I have left off several more well known, more traditional, and older “Holiday classics” like Miracle on 34^th Street, A Christmas Story, or It’s a Wonderful Life.  What can I say; those movies just don’t speak to me.  Feel free to send me email disclaiming my opinions and calling me a whippersnapper.

Noah Westerfield is a part time ninja, a part time writer, and a full time whippersnapper.

Ninja Likes Turducken!!

Turducken for the holidays

If you know one thing about me, you probably know I am exceedingly charming.  If you know two things, you probably know I moonlight as a ninja.  But if you know three things, you definitely somewhere in there know my love for one foodstuff in particular that comes around mainly during the holidays: the Turducken. 

For those who may indeed live under rocks, a Turducken is dish consisting of a de-boned chicken stuffed into a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed into a de-boned turkey.  Any remaining space can be crammed with stuffing, sausage, or oven-safe toys wrapped in foil.  The practice of stuffing one bird into another goes back to ancient Roman times, so is not quite novel, but the practice has gotten a bit of a renaissance in recent years, even so far as to have John Madden hand out Turduckens instead of his traditional Turkey Legs to outstanding players on Thanksgiving.

In fact, a completed turducken rather resembles a football.  I can imagine a new sport being created that combines the violence of football with the gluttony of something like a hot-dog eating contest.  Two men sit at a table, each with a turducken in front of them.  At the buzzer, they start to consume said creation, and the first one to finish gets 10 points.  Then they are hit by a professional linebacker, and if they can keep it all down, they get an additional 10 points.  Season goes for 16 weeks, and we can play abridged versions during halftime shows of regular football games.  Anyone who wants to help me get this new game show sensation off the ground is free to contact me.

In the United Kingdom, a turducken is a type of ballotine called a "three-bird roast" or a "royal roast". The Pure Meat Company offered a five-bird roast (a goose, a turkey, a chicken, a pheasant, and a pigeon, stuffed with sausage), described as a modern revival of the traditional Yorkshire Christmas pie, in 1989; and a three-bird roast (a duck stuffed with chicken stuffed with a pigeon, with sage and apple stuffing) in 1990. Multi-bird roasts are widely available, while a Gooducken is a goose stuffed with a duck, which is in turn stuffed with a chicken.

So why stop at just three birds? Some people have not.  In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reyniere gave us his his rôti sans pareil (roast without equal), consisting of a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a gunea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler.  This feat of meat would be difficult to reproduce today since many of those birds are listed as endangered.

But again, why stop there? I have heard of some carnivorous creationists wrapping their turducken in bacon, making a turbacaducken.  Now if you don’t want to go through the effort of de-boning all those birds yourself there are several places online where you can order a turducken which a simple google search will get you.  Just one more tip for any new turducken enthuiasists who have read this article and want to have a meaty treat for their holiday spread…you can broil, bake, braise, barbque, or grill a turducken, but don’t put it in your deep fryer.  Since there is not a hollow cavity like the regular bird has, the cooking will not be even, and just won’t work.  Now if someone CAN figure out how to deep-fry a turbacaducken…well I nominate that person for king of the world.

Noah Westerfield is a fan of all things turducken.

Batman on Film

Putting on the Tights One Last Time

A comprehensive review of Batman in Film

By Noah Westerfield.

As the final installment of the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy is scheduled to be released worldwide in the Summer of 2012, I was tempted to look back on the ups and downs that have been Batman on the silver screen.  For purposes of this article I am sticking to live action movies, though the animated feature length works are worth note, if merely to mention that Mark Hamil, Luke Skywalker from the Star Wars trilogy, does the voice of the Joker.  As most of these movies have been out for quite a while, I feel free to use spoilers as needed, you have been warned. 

Batman the Movie (1966)

Here we see the first treatment of the Caped Crusader on the big screen, played by Adam West.  This is not the Dark Knight as we have come to know with a gruff voice, but rather the most outlandish “theater of the absurd” rendition of a comic book character I have ever come across.  And let me tell you all, I have come across MANY an absurd comic book movie; the 1994 Roger Corman version of the Fantastic 4 comes to mind.  There is more cheese in this film than in a large queso from the Gristmill, and it’s somehow even tastier.  Impressionist Frank Gorshin plays Riddler with a manic energy, famed Latin lover Cesar Romero plays the Joker…and if you look close, you can see that he refused to shave his equally famed moustache for the role, and just had it covered with white paint, and Burgess Meredith plays the Penguin.  How much better could the cast get? Lee Meriwether as Catwoman.  Meow.

6 Shuriken

Batman (1989)

Here is the movie that made me fall in love with Batman.  The Michael Keaton Batman, directed by Tim Burton.  One thing I truly love about Burton as a director is his ability to mix the absurd and the dark.  This movie has both, dished out in heaping helpings by Jack Nicholson as the Joker.  His portrayal was chilling, insane, yet campy and way over-the-top.  We see Joker use his infamous smilex gas, which kills and leaves their victims with a rictus grin on their deceased faces, along with more “gag-like” killing devices, acid in a squirting flower, and a joy-buzzer that delivers a lethal shock.  Kim Basinger is mostly forgettable as love interest Vicky Vale, while the true glory of this movie lies not in any one performance, but in that this movie made Batman cool again.  It brought a whole new generation of readers to the delightful world of comics, and opened the door for geeks who knew nothing but that world to interact with others who were just getting started. 

7.5 Shuriken

Batman Returns (1992)

Tim Burton and Michael Keaton return, bringing with them the same delightful mix of dark gritty realism and cartoonish weirdness.  Along for the ride this time around are Danny DeVito as a fiendish Penguin, Christopher Walken as corporate shill Max Shreck, and Michelle Pfeiffer as a conflicted Catwoman.  Double meow.  This film falls short of achieving the glory of its predecessor, as most sequels are wont to do, but one thing that need be mentioned about the Burton Batman films is the extraordinary score done by Danny Elfman.  One final note.  The Red Triangle Gang, the Penguins henchmen comprised of circus themed villains, scare me to this day. 

6 Shuriken

Batman Forever (1995)

And here we go into the steep decline of Batman film history.  After two wildly successful films by Burton, Warner Brothers decides to switch directions and go with Joel Schumacher at the helm.  I can just imagine him walking in on day and saying: “What the Batsuit needs is nipples!” and instead of people slapping him and telling him how ridiculous that is, they went with it.  This could have been a good movie judging from the cast.  Val Kilmer plays the title role in his somewhat dry manner, and is offset by a stunning and seductive Nicole Kidman playing psychiatrist Chase Meridian.  This movie introduces Chris O’Donnell as Robin, injecting some youth to the cast, while Jim Carrey also dons tights as the Riddler, and Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face…who looks like some bizarre cross between a lawyer and a purple zebra.  But despite the decent casting…this movie is just bad.  But not as bad as it could be…

3 Shuriken

Batman and Robin (1997)

This is the epitome of a horrible movie from start to finish.  Terribly cheesy dialogue permeates the entire film, and more proof that A-list talent is not enough.  George Clooney is behind the mask this time in one of his most forgettable roles.  Blonde Alicia Silverstone plays Batgirl, who in the comics is a redhead, Musclehead Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Mr. Freeze, who in the comics is a wimpy scientist, and Uma Thurman plays Poison Ivy, who in the comics is attractive.  I am seething with anger right now that I had to watch that horrible movie again for this review. 

0 Shuriken I cannot think of a single bright moment to give this even one Shuriken

Batman Begins (2005)

What’s this you say? That was the last of the horrible Batman movies? Joy and rapture!  After nearly a decade for people to forget Batman and Robin, director Christopher Nolan took the franchise into the new Millennium with a gritty, realistic, back-to-basics stance on Batman.  No cheese, no campiness, just a Batman that will kick you in the teeth and have you begging for more.  We get to see the journey that a child takes to being a young man having to deal with the anger and pain of having watched his parents murder, and how he transitions to become a creature of the night, and take his first steps to right wrongs and fight injustice in a corrupt Gotham City, which is as much a character in this film as anyone.

9 Shuriken

Batman: The Dark Knight (2008)

The most recent foray into the world of Batman takes us into the darkest chapter to date.  We are introduced to Heath Ledger as the Joker.  When I first heard that particular casting decision I admit I was more than skeptical.  I think I said: “No WAY pretty boy Ledger can play the Clown Prince of Crime.”  Not only did I have to eat those words, I choked on them, as not only did Ledger give the best performance of his career, he studied insanity and depravity to such a degree in preparation for this role, it lead in part to his untimely death.  Aaron Eckhart as Two-Face was a breath of fresh air after the previous version, performed as he should be: equal parts rational and crazy.  The storyline weaves seamlessly from one arc to the next, and you never are allowed off the edge of your seat.

10 Shuriken, and a bushido Katana.  I do not give this rating lightly.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Once again an eyebrow was raised when I heard Anne Hathaway was to play Catwoman, but then I decided to wait and see.  And the waiting is killing me.  Summer can’t get here soon enough.  See you at the theater!

Noah Westerfield is a part-time ninja, a part-time writer, and a full time geek.