Ninja Likes Turducken!!

Turducken for the holidays

If you know one thing about me, you probably know I am exceedingly charming.  If you know two things, you probably know I moonlight as a ninja.  But if you know three things, you definitely somewhere in there know my love for one foodstuff in particular that comes around mainly during the holidays: the Turducken. 

For those who may indeed live under rocks, a Turducken is dish consisting of a de-boned chicken stuffed into a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed into a de-boned turkey.  Any remaining space can be crammed with stuffing, sausage, or oven-safe toys wrapped in foil.  The practice of stuffing one bird into another goes back to ancient Roman times, so is not quite novel, but the practice has gotten a bit of a renaissance in recent years, even so far as to have John Madden hand out Turduckens instead of his traditional Turkey Legs to outstanding players on Thanksgiving.

In fact, a completed turducken rather resembles a football.  I can imagine a new sport being created that combines the violence of football with the gluttony of something like a hot-dog eating contest.  Two men sit at a table, each with a turducken in front of them.  At the buzzer, they start to consume said creation, and the first one to finish gets 10 points.  Then they are hit by a professional linebacker, and if they can keep it all down, they get an additional 10 points.  Season goes for 16 weeks, and we can play abridged versions during halftime shows of regular football games.  Anyone who wants to help me get this new game show sensation off the ground is free to contact me.

In the United Kingdom, a turducken is a type of ballotine called a "three-bird roast" or a "royal roast". The Pure Meat Company offered a five-bird roast (a goose, a turkey, a chicken, a pheasant, and a pigeon, stuffed with sausage), described as a modern revival of the traditional Yorkshire Christmas pie, in 1989; and a three-bird roast (a duck stuffed with chicken stuffed with a pigeon, with sage and apple stuffing) in 1990. Multi-bird roasts are widely available, while a Gooducken is a goose stuffed with a duck, which is in turn stuffed with a chicken.

So why stop at just three birds? Some people have not.  In his 1807 Almanach des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de La Reyniere gave us his his rôti sans pareil (roast without equal), consisting of a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a gunea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting and a garden warbler.  This feat of meat would be difficult to reproduce today since many of those birds are listed as endangered.

But again, why stop there? I have heard of some carnivorous creationists wrapping their turducken in bacon, making a turbacaducken.  Now if you don’t want to go through the effort of de-boning all those birds yourself there are several places online where you can order a turducken which a simple google search will get you.  Just one more tip for any new turducken enthuiasists who have read this article and want to have a meaty treat for their holiday spread…you can broil, bake, braise, barbque, or grill a turducken, but don’t put it in your deep fryer.  Since there is not a hollow cavity like the regular bird has, the cooking will not be even, and just won’t work.  Now if someone CAN figure out how to deep-fry a turbacaducken…well I nominate that person for king of the world.

Noah Westerfield is a fan of all things turducken.